Dec 26 2008
Love To Me
We all have people in our lives that we know love us as much as we love them, it’s just a given. Each love is different and by different I associate my loves in terms of pureness. Now the love I have for my children is a very pure love, its unconditional and verbal, meaning I tell them each time I talk to them that I love them. When they were small they never went to bed without hearing their mother say how much she loves them. It was very important to me. The same goes to my grandchildren. They are little clones of my children and I sure get a kick out of watching them grow, and I love them immensely. As for the rest of my family it’s true there as well. I love my parents and I know they love me, my siblings and I always voice our love, we never speak without saying it. The Aunts and Uncles are the same, grandparents if they were here. This is family, we know they love us, they know we love them. It’s a pure love.
Then there are others. Our spouses, our friends. Whole different ballgame here. Now having had 2 hubbies in my life should mean that I was very loved. They told me all the time how much they loved me, but their actions spoke different. Therefore resulting in my associating love with a lie or love with sex. They would say they loved me, then turn around and do or say something that spoke otherwise, so why the hell should I believe that love was true and pure and honest? So love associated with a spouse don’t seem so pure to me and I never ever believe I’m loved when I’m told that someone loves me. Years upon years of this pattern made me just outright believe that love was a myth, a fluke, a figment of someones imagination when it came to people outside of my family.
Well those of you that know me know that I have been working on me lately. Working on getting that self-esteem back to where it should be because I am a good and honest and valuable person. I have not noticed much difference, that is until yesterday. Christmas day I was exchanging seasons greetings with my friends and family via text messages and phone calls. I got a text from Charlie’s middle daughter that said she loved me and I thought to myself, “whatever”. She’s a kind and sweet girl but she’s not family so therefore even though she’s the only one of his family that’s ever treated me with respect and kindness I don’t see how she could love me. Typical me pattern here.
I then exchanged text’s with my circle of friends, these being people that are “like” family to me. People that I have known for over 35 years, therefore resulting in them more less being my brothers. There are three of them, and we love each other but I know that each love is different in it’s pureness rating for me. The first man on my list is the greatest man on earth. There will never be another man put on this earth that could be greater in my eyes and that’s my friend and brother Aaron. We always say I love you when speaking and we always mean it. Although I love this man more than anything on this earth and our friendship has never been strained, our relationship is not a pure one. We’ve never fought and we’ve never even had the slightest spat but our relationship is not pure due to something that happened between us that we both agreed would never be spoken of and it’s forgotten in our friendship because it could hurt someone he and I both love very much. All things aside though, I know for a fact without a shadow of a doubt that this man loves me very much. Never even a question. Then there’s my other longtime friend Danny. We shared greetings and his was short and sweet, unlike Aaron he did not say I love you, but to me, he did not need to. With Danny and I, our adult relationship is a pure one. Our longterm relationship is not, but I love him and I know he cares for me. He’s my friend pure and simple. Then we come to the most pure love that I have. My friend Stacey. We shared our seasons greetings and his gave me pause, and his made me think, and his made me cry, and his made me feel so warm and for the first time in the past 20 years, his made me feel very loved. Loved for no reason, loved because I am me, loved because our hearts when it comes to each other, is pure. There has never and I mean never been anything UN-pure between Stacey and myself. His text read, “ Merry xmas I love you a lot.” This is a normal thing between he and I. When we email or chat we always say it, but for some reason yesterday when I got that text it did something to me. I actually believed him.
I must be coming a long way in my work to find myself again. For the first time in 20 years I honestly believe that someone loves me for no reason other than me just being me. Like I said before, we all know our family loves us as much as we do them, but to actually believe for the first time in so many years that someone really does love me is astounding to say the least. It’s hard to explain the feeling because we all know that our friends love us, but to actually “feel” that someone loves us is a totally different world for me. I wonder how he would feel knowing how that made me feel. Knowing that he did something amazing by just stating to a longtime friend how he felt about them. To feel such a pure love is so foreign to me, I know he don’t want anything from me, nothing at all, yet he still cares about me. Me.
